


21

by carpethefanfics



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angry James, Angst, Eventual Fluff, Eventual slight fluff, F/M, Jealous Lily, Moving on?, NSFW, Or finally making up her mind, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 08:55:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11620200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpethefanfics/pseuds/carpethefanfics
Summary: ‘She had broken it before it even really began. While her heart was screaming now and her head was screaming things she couldn’t even decipher. And now his heart was broken too.’





	21

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: NSFW and a lotta swearing
> 
> Enjoy.

  * It had been four months
  * Four  _agonizingly_ long months 
  * And Lily just couldn’t sit back anymore
  * Couldn’t keep watching him from afar 
  * Knowing the whole time it was her damn fault
  * The fear inside her chest taking control of her
  * Lungs pierced by frustration, heart by sadness, head by the fact that it was all on her
  * So, she lost it
  * Lost it on a girl who didn’t  _entirely_ deserve it
  * And then lost it on herself later that night when the moon was high and her chest was caving in
  * _You’re an absolute idiot Lily Evans_
  * _An absolute **prat**_
  * _He’s going to throw you off the Astronomy Tower and you’d deserve it_
  * But she was too protective, too snarky, too quick to tumble down the path that had placed her here in the first place
  * The one that had her ready to lose it again when she heard him
  * Not the voice she had hoped to hear after weeks of uncomfortable silence and the irritated prickling of her skin
  * Not the charmed laugh that rang through her mind when pulling herself from her bed was the last thing she wanted to do
  * It was coarse
  * And angry
  * And as she turned to look at him from her spot beside the window in the common room
  * She could see the defined line of his jaw so clearly 
  * She was sure it would fall off from how painful it seemed to be for him to hold himself back 
  * ‘You had no  **fucking** right’
  * She could feel her gut twisting at his hateful tone
  * ‘Excuse you?’
  * Knowing all the while the spite he spat at her was well-deserved
  * ‘Don’t give me that, you had no fucking right telling her off’
  * Lily bit her lip as James bore into her
  * ‘I don’t kn-‘
  * But he doesn’t even give her a moment to collect her thoughts
  * ‘Cut the bullshit Evans you know what you did’
  * And now her temper is rising
  * Because all the while she’s been cooped up and sad and trying,  _trying_ , to find the courage to tell him she made her mistakes
  * That she’s an idiot and ridiculous and she shouldn’t let her mouth run away from her
  * She knows she’s pushing him away
  * That she’s been distant and too much and all in her head
  * And she needs him to just  **wait** , _just let her speak_
  * But James was unraveling
  * His cheeks red, his voice rough
  * His hands balled into fists
  * And she couldn’t bear to think that this was the end
  * That he couldn’t handle it anymore
  * That feeling like you’re being swallowed up and spit out can only happen so many times before you want to be done she supposes
  * Before you want the person who’s the cause of all the turmoil out of your life
  * But instead of apologizing
  * Instead of telling him why she lost her mind on a lovely girl 
  * And why she can’t bear the thought of him with someone else
  * She lets her anger get the better of her
  * As it always does
  * ‘You know what- fuck off Potter, she deserved the detention’
  * Lily turned her head back to her homework
  * Letting the curtain of her red hair cover her face
  * The only shield she had against the blade that was his tongue
  * ‘She’s my first date in months,  _months_ , and you couldn’t just fucking let it be could you’
  * And although it hurt her to see him so wound up
  * To see him so utterly pissed off that his mouth was nothing more than a snarl
  * Lily couldn’t stop her jealous rage
  * ‘Let what go?! I did my duty as Head Girl!’
  * Lily was standing now
  * She wasn’t sure when her feet had jarred her towards him
  * Or why her cheeks felt like they were on fire
  * But her heart was thumping wildly in her chest
  * And all the self-loathing she had felt for what she did all that time ago came rushing out of her before she could hold it back
  * ‘All I wanted was a nice night with a girl who didn’t want to curse me into next week but you just couldn’t fucking let me have that’
  * Lily balled her fists up
  * Her head was filled with images of just that
  * Images of the James doing to another what he had done to her for so long
  * She had thought she wanted that
  * Had hoped and grovelled for years that another would catch his eye
  * And when it finally happened everything felt cold inside of her
  * Because he wasn’t  _supposed_ to smile that way for anyone but her
  * Wasn’t  _supposed_ to lean across the library table to the point it nearly toppled over
  * Wasn’t  _supposed_ to show up for class 20 minutes late with half his collar popped and his tie askew 
  * But he had
  * And it wasn’t for her
  * Wasn’t with her
  * And she knew everything she had ever told herself about James Potter was a complete and utter lie that day
  * The flowers he had planted inside her wilted that day
  * ‘Fine, fuck her detention then, fuck all the rules, I’ll just write it off if you need to have your bloody date’
  * ‘That’s not even the point you ridiculous-‘
  * ‘Ridiculous what?!’
  * Lily practically bellowed
  * Her head was pounding from the way her jaw was gritted
  * And then her mouth dropped as James’ eyes narrowed
  * ‘ **Fuck you**.’
  * He had turned and slammed the common room portrait without a second glance
  * Left his words behind him like some sort of stake in her heart
  * And she crumbled inside
  * Her eyes glued to the hole his shape made in her mind
  * Her eyes stinging from what she had done to him all over again
  * She just couldn’t stop hurting him
  * And it didn’t even matter that she hadn’t meant to get so tangled up in herself that the one person she’d give up everything for ended up taken down in the cross fire
  * Because she had done it anyway
  * Had ignored the way her heart told her things her mind hated to hear
  * So, she picked herself up from the chair her body felt glued to 
  * Reminding herself that for everything that made her feel so unworthy of him 
  * That made her push him so far away he was sure to never come back to her
  * None of it was worth doing this to James
  * The last four months slipping through corridors and shying away from the common room and smiling to only Remus from across the Great Hall
  * They were a painful memory
  * And she had been so absorbed in her own hurt, in her own guilt
  * She forgot who she was doing this for
  * She forgot who she hurt more than herself
  * Who deserved it the least
  * So she fled the common room
  * An apology on her lips and her dignity cast aside
  * She threw herself down the staircases after him
  * ‘James, wait-‘
  * But he was still fuming when she finally found him
  * His laughter echoed around her
  * Humorless, maniacal, weary
  * ‘What could you possibly want from me now?’
  * ‘James I just-’
  * ‘Want to yell at me more? Maybe tell me again how much of a prick I am?’
  * ‘No I wanted-‘
  * ‘I can’t fucking do this anymore Lily, you need to let me move the fuck on’
  * And she paused
  * Standing on the steps above him outside the Great Hall
  * Staring down into warm chocolate eyes that held nothing but disdain for her now
  * Disdain and tears
  * ‘You want… to move on?’
  * Her voice is quiet
  * And shaking
  * And she doesn’t feel anything
  * Hasn’t felt anything
  * **How could she when she left her heart with him four months ago?**
  * When she had yet to get it back
  * ‘Of course I do! I can’t play your games anymore! I can’t fight with you this week and let you corner me in the locker room the next- I can’t keep feeling like my heart is on a string you just want to tug at when you feel lonely! It’s fucking shattering in my chest every time you look at me because I know there will be a moment when you don’t look at me like that anymore- it hurts too fucking much Lily, it hurts so bad-’
  * She can see just how much she hurt him now
  * Feel just how much she hurt him now
  * It’s so clear and vivid and worse than she had ever thought it could be
  * And how much she hurt herself in the process doesn’t even compare
  * And all she wants to do is make it stop
  * Turn back the clock, pick up the pieces, never let the words leave her lips
  * But she can’t
  * All she has is right now
  * And all she can do is be honest
  * ‘You’re right’
  * His eyes flash up towards her as she rushes down to him
  * ‘What?’
  * ‘You were right.’
  * ‘What the fuck is that supp-’
  * ‘It means that I’m sorry and that I should have said this earlier and that I’m the prick because I shouldn’t have done that or this or any of it and I’m so fucking sorry that I hurt you this bad. I shouldn’t have hurt you this bad. I don’t-I can’t believe-’
  * Lily stopped herself
  * Her arms wrapping around her 
  * His eyes burning into her face
  * ‘I was jealous.’
  * James hands uncurl from the fists they’ve made
  * His brows furrowing together
  * ‘I was jealous beca-’
  * And they  **collide**
  * He’s grabbed her by her waist
  * Her chest to his
  * Her arms wrapping around his neck to steady herself
  * Her fingers grasping strands of hair she never thought she’d feel between her fingers again
  * Any words she had planned to say he swallows and they don’t burn down her throat anymore
  * Not with him in her arms
  * Not with her holding onto him like he’s the only thing that matters
  * Their mouths are moving together wet and hot and needy
  * James’ hands have found their place wrapping up in her hair
  * Raising her into the air, lifting her to him
  * And her hands are pulling at him, pulling his mouth harshly against her own
  * And he’s not sure how much closer he can get but she keeps pulling until their flush together
  * And he can feel her heart beating rapidly against his chest
  * She pulls away from him for mere seconds
  * And the words he needed to hear fall from her lips into his
  * _‘No games’_
  * _‘I love you’_
  * _‘I always did’  
_
  * And they’re kissing again
  * And he’s pushing her against the wall behind them
  * Her thighs are squeezing themselves around his hips
  * His hands moving to grasp them
  * With every breathe she pulls back from him
  * _‘I love you’_
  * He’s taking every word in with a new found hope
  * And he can feel the tears that run down her cheeks
  * _‘I love you’_
  * And he’s pressing her tightly between himself and the wall as the words flutter from her lips
  * _‘I’m sorry’_
  * As his tongue ravishes her neck
  * _‘James’_
  * As his hands engulf themselves under her blouse to feel the warmth of her skin
  * _‘It’s always been you’_



**Author's Note:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/163409138212/21


End file.
